Friday, March 31, 2006

THIS Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Grooming

Mom made casual mention that my good friend, Shy-knee, has an appointment for a day of beauty tomorrow, at her local salon. While she might have mentioned it casually, I know the point Mom was trying to make. And that made me paws to think about grooming.

While I am quite the ballerina and girly girl, and I take pride in my natural beauty and golden locks, I have very definite opinions about grooming rituals that are good and right... and those that are just plain overkill, even for a princess like me.

  1. Full baths are an unnecessary evil. I mean, are these just an attempt to punish and humiliate me? What did I do so wrong??? Answer me that, and I'll take a bath willingly. Full baths can easily be avoided by graceful dips in lakewater, joyful leaps in the ocean surf, and even by dawdling outside in the spring rains! Besides, too many baths remove the natural oils that are necessary for a good coat. And I don't have to tell you how I feel about a good coat!
  2. Blow drying should be a criminal offense. I'm all about the right to bear arms, but that gun oughta be outlawed. I'm willing to be corralled in a tight space in close proximity to Mom, so long as she's not armed with a brush in one hand and a blow dryer in the other!
  3. A half bath (or as Mom calls it... a cheater's bath) ain't half bad. That's when she uses those fresh smelling paper things and wipes me down. The best things I can say about a half bath: it's over quick, I don't smell half bad when it's over, and it IS attention!
  4. A spit bath is ideal. Lord knows that I love a spit bath. That's when Mom takes a wet washcloth and cleans around my mouth, ears, armpits and paws. I get these every night in the summer months, it's totally quick and painless, and a great way to cool down!
  5. The hairbrush is alluring. Its sight makes my knees weaken, quite literally. Here are the rules: Head, ok. Ears, ok. Neck and back, great. Chest, great. Sides, good. Legs, you're pushing it. Backs of the legs and tail, OFF LIMITS! Remember, when you people go to the salon, you ALL sit and protect your backside. Where does it say that feathering must be without natural curl? Show me a book about the breed standard, and I'll bite your nose!
  6. De-tangling is quick and relatively painless. I rarely get mats (maybe one or two in my life), but Mom has this comb that with one or two quick strokes... out comes a clump of hair. It's a small price to pay for protecting your behind while being brushed.
  7. Having my teeth brushed isn't too bad, because the toothpaste... well, it tastes just like chicken (snicker)! And after all, I only have mine brushed once a week; Mom's teeth must be dirtier... she brushes them several times a day. Now THAT's overkill.
  8. Having my teeth cleaned is another thing all together. I mean, is this grooming? Or SURGERY? First, I don't like Mom dropping me off ANYwhere. Second, they knock me out and scrape my teeth? I love that Mom picks me up and spends the rest of the day with me, but that's little consolation for the trauma.
  9. Toe nail clipping is a good thing. I mean, I don't tread on hard surfaces so much, so my delicate nails sometimes need clipping (for my own comfort and for the sake of our 50 year old waxed hardwood floors). I don't know why Mom has such anxiety around the process... she will sometimes clip the tips, but most often takes me somewhere to have them clipped.
  10. Nothing says loving like lotion on the paws. Yeah, I don't think it's all that necessary, but there is just something about your Mom rubbing lotion on your paws that makes you feel, not just pampered, but ADORED.
  11. Eye boogies must be cleared immediately, if not sooner! Several times a day is a good schedule, depending on windy conditions, airborne allergens and the state of the dusty perimeter trail.

Of course, I will consult with my pal Shy-knees, to see how she feels about her "day of beauty". She might have a different take. After all... HER mom takes HER to a spa!!!!

Midnight Calling

I had a midnight calling last night. It wasn't pleasant.

I woke Mom up at midnight last night, with a pitiful whimper of pain. She got up immediately, disarmed the alarm and followed me outside.

I made a mad dash into the yard. It was a horrible case of sloopy poopy. Mom sat patiently and watched me. I returned to her and then to the door as soon as I thought it was over.

We went in and went back to bed. I laid very close to Mom. I heard her saying a prayer over me, and I rolled my head over to put my nose on her cheek. I heaved a loud sigh and went back to sleep, but I'm not so sure she did. I felt her checking on me the rest of the night... after all, she's a Mom.

I woke up with sunshine in my soul, Mom not so much so. She didn't feed me very much, and then she sat outside while I meandered and sniffed and did my daily routine. I didn't give her any reason to worry further, but something tells me she did... ALL DAY at work.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Sammy Takes The Lead By Five Noses

(and five tails!)




Discounting death and annihilation, as I rather believe that Sammy is avenging the destruction, trespass and illegal inhabitancy of my abode/attic...

Isn't he an absolute hunk???!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: The Telephone


Talk all you want, but let's go outside. You can sit on the porch and chat. I'll bark like a junkyard dog in sight of an intruder, but you go ahead and carry on your conversation!


Talk should be limited to brief conversations relating to the following subjects:
  1. Sometimes there are emergencies, and I fully understand. I trust you in that regard and will remain as quiet as a mouse.
  2. Scheduling a doggy friendly vacation.
  3. Scheduling a playdate or walk in the park.
  4. Scheduling my people to come stay with us.
  5. Checking the stock of my favorite treats at the doggy grocery store.
  6. Ordering cool toys by phone.
  7. FOOD DELIVERIES! (I don't care... pizza, wings, Chinese... it's ALL good by me!).

All other occasions:

  1. A ringing phone need not be answered. After all, you're on MY time now.
  2. Should you take or make a call, my first defense is a demand to go outside, stir up my pals, stalk a frog, eat some poop, chase a rat, spot a possum, tree a cat... or if all else fails, hide and ignore Mom in a dark corner.
  3. Otherwise, there's no better place for me than your lap.
  4. It only takes one hand to hold a phone. Your other hand isn't doing anything, so rub my tummy while I wallow and snort loudly.
  5. If that other hand remains idle...well, ignore me and I'll BARK.
  6. Where IS my obnoxious talking (never-say-die) gorilla???! Or what about my gangster toys... "How ya doin, How ya doin, How ya doin"... and the notorious, "You talkin to me?, You talkin to me?, You talking to me?"???! In a pinch, my "I love you. I love you. I love you." heart will suffice.
  7. Move the blinds around with your nose. For some reason, that's a sound that annoys people. (heehee).
  8. Bark out the front window, with all of the emotion (joy, anger... whatever) in my heart, BARK!
  9. If that fails, BARK out the back!
  10. If that fails, bark in Mom's ear!
  11. Circle the house restlessly, then disappear.
  12. And when all else fails, plop down in desparation... sigh loudly and utilize the notorious GUILT TACTIC. It IS, after all, the tool that ALWAYS works.

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: Sofa Pillows

As a puppy:
  1. Great teething material.
  2. Excellent substitution in warmer climates for snow.
  3. Fun to attack and foil their diabolical plot.
  4. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
  5. If you have it, I want it.
  6. If your head is on it, so must my whole body.

As an adult:

  1. I don't get Mom's aesthetic arrangement.
  2. Re-shaping square pillows is my specialty.
  3. In a big chair, perfect under me.
  4. If the chair is too small, the pillow goes on the floor.
  5. On a sofa, a couple is all I need.
  6. Best on the floor, in all instances, once the nap is over.
  7. Those that impede the relaxation process are best on the floor.
  8. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
  9. If our head is on it, so must my whole body.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Golden Retriever Recipe for a Perfect Day

(16 things Mom could learn from me!)

Each day should consist of:
  1. Leisurely waking.
  2. A good stretch upon rising.
  3. Smooching and lovey dovey time, a-plenty.
  4. Two good, filling and timely meals (and maybe a snack or two in between).
  5. Lots of cool fresh water.
  6. Persnickety attention to the calls of nature. (hey... I can hold it forever, but when I go, I want to go in just the right place).
  7. Lots of talking and a little singing.
  8. Answering to the joy in your heart, however it may lead you.
  9. Work a little and play a LOT.
  10. A couple of nice peaceful naps, preferably in a dark room or even in a sunny window sill.
  11. Curiosity and challenge, obsessing over neither, and dropping both for a run at the food bowl or the chance to smooch.
  12. Wallowing and snorting. In fact, nothing's better than a good wet sneeze!
  13. A little time (a very little time) spent on grooming.
  14. A little running, a little television, a little window watching and a little barking.
  15. A bone-deep sigh upon retiring for the night.
  16. Peaceful slumber lying as close as possible to the one you love the most.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Blonde Joke

A Chow Chow friend of mine told me a funny joke
(my apologies in advance to all of Mom's cute blonde friends):

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriever.

Update: Isaac Newton Studies

A note to those who check in regularly:
Isaac Newton Studies are still being conducted.
Stay tuned for further updates!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Activity v. Rest

Every Action has an Equal and Opposite Reaction:
Activity v. Rest

Ahem. I am a golden retriever. I am active. It's a fact to which there is no dispute. I believe my extreme level of activity is well documented in these web records. Visitors might sometimes think that I'm HYPERactive, due to my no-holds-barred enthusiasm and welcome-wagon sense of duty, but in reality, I'm just a very busy girl.

What can I say? I sleep EVERY BIT AS HARD as I work and play.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

If Isaac Newton Had Studied A Golden Retriever, Introduction

Sir Isaac Newton concluded: Every Action has an Equal and Opposite Reaction.

It's been a rather dreary day today, and I've spent my Sunday divided in restless pursuit of restless squirrels balanced with peaceful contemplation of the laws of nature.

We watch quite a bit of news in this house and I've grown accustomed to ratings weeks, expose's and the fact that interest in sigh-ins is important to my generation.

So, this week I'll give you my interpretation of Sir Isaac Newton's theory, as it applies to the typical golden retriever. It's an interesting study, and I hope you will stay tuned.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Golden Retrievers and Their Celebrity Folks

This weekend is Oscar weekend, so I thought I'd sniff out my fellow goldens that have celebrity parents, and this is a little of what I dug up:

Star: Pamela Anderson

Cheeseburger (mmmmm): Jimmy Buffett

Sol: Neil Diamond

Fawn Hall (heehee): Dennis Quaid

Boomer (surprised Mom didn't name ME this!): Henry Stern (NYC Parks Commissioner)

Ajax (my competitor... get it???): Livingston Taylor (singer, songwriter and also multi-instrumental musician)

Pluto: John Larroquette

Molson (slurrrrrrp): Kristine Lily (1996 Olympic Gold Medallist in Soccer)