Wednesday, March 22, 2006

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: The Telephone


Talk all you want, but let's go outside. You can sit on the porch and chat. I'll bark like a junkyard dog in sight of an intruder, but you go ahead and carry on your conversation!


Talk should be limited to brief conversations relating to the following subjects:
  1. Sometimes there are emergencies, and I fully understand. I trust you in that regard and will remain as quiet as a mouse.
  2. Scheduling a doggy friendly vacation.
  3. Scheduling a playdate or walk in the park.
  4. Scheduling my people to come stay with us.
  5. Checking the stock of my favorite treats at the doggy grocery store.
  6. Ordering cool toys by phone.
  7. FOOD DELIVERIES! (I don't care... pizza, wings, Chinese... it's ALL good by me!).

All other occasions:

  1. A ringing phone need not be answered. After all, you're on MY time now.
  2. Should you take or make a call, my first defense is a demand to go outside, stir up my pals, stalk a frog, eat some poop, chase a rat, spot a possum, tree a cat... or if all else fails, hide and ignore Mom in a dark corner.
  3. Otherwise, there's no better place for me than your lap.
  4. It only takes one hand to hold a phone. Your other hand isn't doing anything, so rub my tummy while I wallow and snort loudly.
  5. If that other hand remains idle...well, ignore me and I'll BARK.
  6. Where IS my obnoxious talking (never-say-die) gorilla???! Or what about my gangster toys... "How ya doin, How ya doin, How ya doin"... and the notorious, "You talkin to me?, You talkin to me?, You talking to me?"???! In a pinch, my "I love you. I love you. I love you." heart will suffice.
  7. Move the blinds around with your nose. For some reason, that's a sound that annoys people. (heehee).
  8. Bark out the front window, with all of the emotion (joy, anger... whatever) in my heart, BARK!
  9. If that fails, BARK out the back!
  10. If that fails, bark in Mom's ear!
  11. Circle the house restlessly, then disappear.
  12. And when all else fails, plop down in desparation... sigh loudly and utilize the notorious GUILT TACTIC. It IS, after all, the tool that ALWAYS works.

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