Talk all you want, but let's go outside. You can sit on the porch and chat. I'll bark like a junkyard dog in sight of an intruder, but you go ahead and carry on your conversation!
Dark
Talk should be limited to brief conversations relating to the following subjects:
- Sometimes there are emergencies, and I fully understand. I trust you in that regard and will remain as quiet as a mouse.
- Scheduling a doggy friendly vacation.
- Scheduling a playdate or walk in the park.
- Scheduling my people to come stay with us.
- Checking the stock of my favorite treats at the doggy grocery store.
- Ordering cool toys by phone.
- FOOD DELIVERIES! (I don't care... pizza, wings, Chinese... it's ALL good by me!).
All other occasions:
- A ringing phone need not be answered. After all, you're on MY time now.
- Should you take or make a call, my first defense is a demand to go outside, stir up my pals, stalk a frog, eat some poop, chase a rat, spot a possum, tree a cat... or if all else fails, hide and ignore Mom in a dark corner.
- Otherwise, there's no better place for me than your lap.
- It only takes one hand to hold a phone. Your other hand isn't doing anything, so rub my tummy while I wallow and snort loudly.
- If that other hand remains idle...well, ignore me and I'll BARK.
- Where IS my obnoxious talking (never-say-die) gorilla???! Or what about my gangster toys... "How ya doin, How ya doin, How ya doin"... and the notorious, "You talkin to me?, You talkin to me?, You talking to me?"???! In a pinch, my "I love you. I love you. I love you." heart will suffice.
- Move the blinds around with your nose. For some reason, that's a sound that annoys people. (heehee).
- Bark out the front window, with all of the emotion (joy, anger... whatever) in my heart, BARK!
- If that fails, BARK out the back!
- If that fails, bark in Mom's ear!
- Circle the house restlessly, then disappear.
- And when all else fails, plop down in desparation... sigh loudly and utilize the notorious GUILT TACTIC. It IS, after all, the tool that ALWAYS works.
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