THIS Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Grooming

Mom made casual mention that my good friend, Shy-knee, has an appointment for a day of beauty tomorrow, at her local salon. While she might have mentioned it casually, I know the point Mom was trying to make. And that made me paws to think about grooming.

While I am quite the ballerina and girly girl, and I take pride in my natural beauty and golden locks, I have very definite opinions about grooming rituals that are good and right... and those that are just plain overkill, even for a princess like me.

1. Full baths are an unnecessary evil. I mean, are these just an attempt to punish and humiliate me? What did I do so wrong??? Answer me that, and I'll take a bath willingly. Full baths can easily be avoided by graceful dips in lakewater, joyful leaps in the ocean surf, and even by dawdling outside in the spring rains! Besides, too many baths remove the natural oils that are necessary for a good coat. And I don't have to tell you how I feel about a good coat!
2. Blow drying should be a criminal offense. I'm all about the right to bear arms, but that gun oughta be outlawed. I'm willing to be corralled in a tight space in close proximity to Mom, so long as she's not armed with a brush in one hand and a blow dryer in the other!
3. A half bath (or as Mom calls it... a cheater's bath) ain't half bad. That's when she uses those fresh smelling paper things and wipes me down. The best things I can say about a half bath: it's over quick, I don't smell half bad when it's over, and it IS attention!
4. A spit bath is ideal. Lord knows that I love a spit bath. That's when Mom takes a wet washcloth and cleans around my mouth, ears, armpits and paws. I get these every night in the summer months, it's totally quick and painless, and a great way to cool down!
5. The hairbrush is alluring. Its sight makes my knees weaken, quite literally. Here are the rules: Head, ok. Ears, ok. Neck and back, great. Chest, great. Sides, good. Legs, you're pushing it. Backs of the legs and tail, OFF LIMITS! Remember, when you people go to the salon, you ALL sit and protect your backside. Where does it say that feathering must be without natural curl? Show me a book about the breed standard, and I'll bite your nose!
6. De-tangling is quick and relatively painless. I rarely get mats (maybe one or two in my life), but Mom has this comb that with one or two quick strokes... out comes a clump of hair. It's a small price to pay for protecting your behind while being brushed.
7. Having my teeth brushed isn't too bad, because the toothpaste... well, it tastes just like chicken (snicker)! And after all, I only have mine brushed once a week; Mom's teeth must be dirtier... she brushes them several times a day. Now THAT's overkill.
8. Having my teeth cleaned is another thing all together. I mean, is this grooming? Or SURGERY? First, I don't like Mom dropping me off ANYwhere. Second, they knock me out and scrape my teeth? I love that Mom picks me up and spends the rest of the day with me, but that's little consolation for the trauma.
9. Toe nail clipping is a good thing. I mean, I don't tread on hard surfaces so much, so my delicate nails sometimes need clipping (for my own comfort and for the sake of our 50 year old waxed hardwood floors). I don't know why Mom has such anxiety around the process... she will sometimes clip the tips, but most often takes me somewhere to have them clipped.
10. Nothing says loving like lotion on the paws. Yeah, I don't think it's all that necessary, but there is just something about your Mom rubbing lotion on your paws that makes you feel, not just pampered, but ADORED.
11. Eye boogies must be cleared immediately, if not sooner! Several times a day is a good schedule, depending on windy conditions, airborne allergens and the state of the dusty perimeter trail.

Of course, I will consult with my pal Shy-knees, to see how she feels about her "day of beauty". She might have a different take. After all... HER mom takes HER to a spa!!!!