A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: My Weekend

1. Excellent Friday afternoon photos... don't you think? (I think I might have heard the words... 'pretty' and 'precious' to describe them!).
2. Gave Auntie Dav a card and some pritty pitchers for her birfday.
3. Mom came home yesterday afternoon with chinese food and cookies... but she smelled like 'Cheddar'!
4. Mom told me that 'Cheddar' is large, and I am small.
5. Mom stayed a little too busy for my likin'. And she came home last night complainin' about those other peoples she calls 'Comets'. I think from the sound of it, they should be called the "No No Bad Girls".
6. Entirely too much rain for good quality time outdoors.
7. Over and out! I heard Mom ordered a pizza and there's a "ding" at the door!

Golden Retriever Thoughts for Today

1. Shoving pillows around on the sofa is fun indoor activity.
2. Why does it rain every weekend, while week days are gloriously sunny?
3. That squirt-in-da-mouf stuff is starting to taste pretty good!
4. Mom works too hard for too long. I don't like it when she doesn't have enough brain left for me!

A Golden Retiever's Thoughts on Impending Dental Care

I started taking mystery pills today,
anti-bionics or some such thing,
and the last time this happened,
I found myself having my toofies cleaned.

1. My breaf couldn't be THAT bad, cause Mom and I often sleep nose to nose. The only complaints I've heard from her was about "murder" on my breaf!
2. My toofies are clean enough for a pretty smile. And if you don't think so, turn your head.
3. My toofies are strong enough to crunch through dry kibbles, Buddies biscuits and Dingo bones.
4. This may be the true test of our monarchy, as the formal edict from the queen reads... "Down with Dental Care."
5. I believe this violates number 10 of 'The Ten Commandments', which reads in part, "Thou shalt never leave me behind." Ok, I know this falls within the exceptions, but you can bet I'll look over my shoulder and make Mom feel bad about this one!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Veterinary Care & Routine Maintenance

Took me a trip today... to one of my favorite places!
Doctor B's Office!

Yep, you read that right! I know, I know... I just might be the only dog in the world that loves to go to the vet's office, but I do! I really do!

I should, however, qualify that statement by saying... I've never been hurt, and I've only been sick once (though there have been a couple of times that Mom flipped out over something that was nothing). Here's how it went today:

1. Great car ride with tons of cold air blowing on my face, and songs sung about me!
2. Got there twenty minutes early... hopped out of the car and tried to p in a big bunch of blooming flowers. I guess from Mom's reaction... that's a no-no.
3. Took a walk down the street where I grew up! Kinda fun... kinda fulla memories... and a major 'Thank The Good Lord' moment that I now have my own backyard!
4. Met a really nice lady who mistook my "eeeeeeeeeeeeee" as an 'I don't want to be here' shriek, rather than my anthem of shear joy. Got some good lovin' from her!
5. Loved all the 'girls' behind the big counter... them that had two legs and them that had four. Miss L gave me a handful of liver treats, and talked to me about many meaningful subjects, including how pretty I am (if a golden retriever could blush... I would have. Instead, awww shucks, I squinted and smiled.)
6. Doctor B checked me over thoroughly... twice (gee thanks, Mom), gave me a quick shot to the back of the neck (didn't feel a thing) and some nose spray. Ok, that's the one thing I don't like...
7. Got a pedicure, and I liked that best when I got home... better traction on the hardwoods, less on the comforter!
8. Gal who operates the computer at checkout might be occasionally dyslexic... She typed my weight as 66 pounds (instead of 69!)... and you gotta love her for that! Unfortunately, Mom noted that she was dead on with the invoice amount. Yikes. Mom said I might have to get a job.
9. Mom made an appointment for me to go back to see them next Wednesday! That seems a bit odd, so soon... but it's ok. I've got many other 'bits' in my repertoire!
10. The trip home was great, too... lots of cold air and resting my head on Mom's shoulder. And awaiting me at home, was a cool bowl of water, a yard full of squirrels... and a nice afternoon nap. Life's good!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts on This Rainy Saturday

Glub Glub Glub
Where are my water wings?

And this photo was taken after the water receded!

Me and Mom had tons of plans for this glorious three day weekend. And then we woke up this morning to a weather report of increasing chances of rain each day, through next Tuesday.

I have mixed emotions:

Sad: Squirrels don't seem to work in a storm.
Happy: Mom doesn't either!

Sad: I'll be chastised for each mud puddle I adorn.
Happy: A bath was scheduled for this weekend!

Sad: I'm not going to get that walk in the park I was promised.
Happy: Mom is less likely to go out visiting, piddling, errand running or shopping!

I think I would be much happier if our weather were better.
But I've got to tell you, I'm grateful for any three days I've got Mom to myself!
So, all's good with me!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts On "The Three P's"

Today's Pressing Household Issues:
Peeing, Pooping and Plumbing

According to Mom, one of the "perks" (my word, not hers) to living in an old house... is the opportunity (my word, not hers) to mop up water and shut down the bathrooms, kitchen and washing machine for sixteen or eighteen hours at a time... every 9 months or a year.

And that led me to paws and ponder upon "the three p's":

1. I was taught that the only place I should go... is outside.
2. And today, I'm more thankful than ever!
3. My favorite thing about the indoor toilet is the opportunity to corner Mom and enjoy a good head scratch.
4. The only thing I like about the shower is licking Mom's legs when she comes out of it... otherwise, it's pure evil.
5. Really, am I not fully capable of cleaning the dishes after dinner?
6. It's not so bad that last night's dinner dishes, pots and pans weren't cleaned... I rather admire the aromas.
7. Two of my best friends came over and fixed our problem. I tried to help them, but Mom said if I knew how to fix it, why didn't I fix it last night? I answered the best way I knew how... "woo woo woo".
8. My friends were really cute and gave me good attention. I can't wait to see them again in a few months. But a question... why did Mom pay them to leave???
9. Coming in from the rain, knee deep in mud... and just when I thought we were completely out of towels, Mom whips out four more: three wet to give me a rub-down, and one to dry!
10. ANY P that keeps Mom home is all right by me!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Philodendrons & Update with a Note from Mom!

The jungle is... cleared!
***Please read Mom's thought below***

And now I'm clearing my mind:

1. Overgrown philodendrons provide a false sense of security for squirrels
   and other rodents when flushed from the outfield.
   This grouping is like third base to the pecan tree's home.
   They think I won't follow them in there. Holy carcass are they wrong!
2. Well kempt philodendrons are much easier to pass underneath,
   and a raised canopy provides a wider track for my
   flying figure 8's around the hot tub!
3. Overgrown philodendrons provide a pretty good place to hide from Mom
   when she's talking on the phone too long.
   It's my little way of getting her attention.
4. With thinned tree-like philodendrons, Mom can see me quickly...
   and she diverts her attention toward me and calls me to her!
5. Overgrown philodendrons in the back corner of the yard
   provide a secret place for me to meet up with Rotty-wilder...
   and exchange our extremely loud 'top of the mornin' to ya's.
6. With the philos thinned,
   now Mom and Rotty can get to know each other, too!
7. Mostly, I'm just puzzled about the gosh darn things.
   We have seven of them, sprinkled in three corners of the yard,
   and any time I go near them, Mom yells as if they're off my limits!
   
   051807, 8:23am Update: I guess Mom read my post last night. Who knew that she checked up on me like that??? Anyway, as she kissed me on the nose before leaving for work this morning, she left me with a note. It reads, as follows:
   
   My dear Sweet Comet,
   
   When I bought this lovely yard for you,
   it was full of beautiful philodendrons and caladiums.
   I didn't know then what I know now!
   These plants are highly toxic to precious and unwitting puppy dogs.
   
   I feel like a bad Mother for not having them totally removed...
   and I'm seriously considering it.
   It's why I'm so concerned about keeping them trimmed
   and clean underneath.
   
   You know I would lay down my life to protect you.
   I would.
   
   While I chastise you for thinking that all of outdoors is a buffet line,
   and while you are occasionally tempted into eating
   a pecan, a stick, a lizard
   or a G.I. Joe helmet, here and there...
   I've never seen you eat grass or any sort of plant.
   
   And while I trust you with all of our worldly possessions,
   I'm hesitant to trust you with gates... fences... and philodendrons.

So next time you are made fun of in school...
for having the Mom who is always two steps behind you,

Remember...

It's because I love you and cherish you with all my heart.

Mom

P.S. The little fact that you look over your shoulder
to make sure that I'm still two steps behind you...
will remain our little secret!

A Golden Girl's Thoughts On Going

I love going:

1. on vacations
2. camping
3. to the beach
4. to friends' houses
5. on walks
6. on playdates
7. to Petco / PetsMart
8. outside
9. to bed

There are exceptions. I don't like going:

1. On errands. I don't get it. You go and go and go and end up right back where you started. Makes no sense.
2. And being dropped off. Name the reason. It ain't good.

THIS Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Grooming

Mom made casual mention that my good friend, Shy-knee, has an appointment for a day of beauty tomorrow, at her local salon. While she might have mentioned it casually, I know the point Mom was trying to make. And that made me paws to think about grooming.

While I am quite the ballerina and girly girl, and I take pride in my natural beauty and golden locks, I have very definite opinions about grooming rituals that are good and right... and those that are just plain overkill, even for a princess like me.

1. Full baths are an unnecessary evil. I mean, are these just an attempt to punish and humiliate me? What did I do so wrong??? Answer me that, and I'll take a bath willingly. Full baths can easily be avoided by graceful dips in lakewater, joyful leaps in the ocean surf, and even by dawdling outside in the spring rains! Besides, too many baths remove the natural oils that are necessary for a good coat. And I don't have to tell you how I feel about a good coat!
2. Blow drying should be a criminal offense. I'm all about the right to bear arms, but that gun oughta be outlawed. I'm willing to be corralled in a tight space in close proximity to Mom, so long as she's not armed with a brush in one hand and a blow dryer in the other!
3. A half bath (or as Mom calls it... a cheater's bath) ain't half bad. That's when she uses those fresh smelling paper things and wipes me down. The best things I can say about a half bath: it's over quick, I don't smell half bad when it's over, and it IS attention!
4. A spit bath is ideal. Lord knows that I love a spit bath. That's when Mom takes a wet washcloth and cleans around my mouth, ears, armpits and paws. I get these every night in the summer months, it's totally quick and painless, and a great way to cool down!
5. The hairbrush is alluring. Its sight makes my knees weaken, quite literally. Here are the rules: Head, ok. Ears, ok. Neck and back, great. Chest, great. Sides, good. Legs, you're pushing it. Backs of the legs and tail, OFF LIMITS! Remember, when you people go to the salon, you ALL sit and protect your backside. Where does it say that feathering must be without natural curl? Show me a book about the breed standard, and I'll bite your nose!
6. De-tangling is quick and relatively painless. I rarely get mats (maybe one or two in my life), but Mom has this comb that with one or two quick strokes... out comes a clump of hair. It's a small price to pay for protecting your behind while being brushed.
7. Having my teeth brushed isn't too bad, because the toothpaste... well, it tastes just like chicken (snicker)! And after all, I only have mine brushed once a week; Mom's teeth must be dirtier... she brushes them several times a day. Now THAT's overkill.
8. Having my teeth cleaned is another thing all together. I mean, is this grooming? Or SURGERY? First, I don't like Mom dropping me off ANYwhere. Second, they knock me out and scrape my teeth? I love that Mom picks me up and spends the rest of the day with me, but that's little consolation for the trauma.
9. Toe nail clipping is a good thing. I mean, I don't tread on hard surfaces so much, so my delicate nails sometimes need clipping (for my own comfort and for the sake of our 50 year old waxed hardwood floors). I don't know why Mom has such anxiety around the process... she will sometimes clip the tips, but most often takes me somewhere to have them clipped.
10. Nothing says loving like lotion on the paws. Yeah, I don't think it's all that necessary, but there is just something about your Mom rubbing lotion on your paws that makes you feel, not just pampered, but ADORED.
11. Eye boogies must be cleared immediately, if not sooner! Several times a day is a good schedule, depending on windy conditions, airborne allergens and the state of the dusty perimeter trail.

Of course, I will consult with my pal Shy-knees, to see how she feels about her "day of beauty". She might have a different take. After all... HER mom takes HER to a spa!!!!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: The Telephone

Daylight

Talk all you want, but let's go outside. You can sit on the porch and chat. I'll bark like a junkyard dog in sight of an intruder, but you go ahead and carry on your conversation!

Dark

Talk should be limited to brief conversations relating to the following subjects:

1. Sometimes there are emergencies, and I fully understand. I trust you in that regard and will remain as quiet as a mouse.
2. Scheduling a doggy friendly vacation.
3. Scheduling a playdate or walk in the park.
4. Scheduling my people to come stay with us.
5. Checking the stock of my favorite treats at the doggy grocery store.
6. Ordering cool toys by phone.
7. FOOD DELIVERIES! (I don't care... pizza, wings, Chinese... it's ALL good by me!).

All other occasions:

1. A ringing phone need not be answered. After all, you're on MY time now.
2. Should you take or make a call, my first defense is a demand to go outside, stir up my pals, stalk a frog, eat some poop, chase a rat, spot a possum, tree a cat... or if all else fails, hide and ignore Mom in a dark corner.
3. Otherwise, there's no better place for me than your lap.
4. It only takes one hand to hold a phone. Your other hand isn't doing anything, so rub my tummy while I wallow and snort loudly.
5. If that other hand remains idle...well, ignore me and I'll BARK.
6. Where IS my obnoxious talking (never-say-die) gorilla???! Or what about my gangster toys... "How ya doin, How ya doin, How ya doin"... and the notorious, "You talkin to me?, You talkin to me?, You talking to me?"???! In a pinch, my "I love you. I love you. I love you." heart will suffice.
7. Move the blinds around with your nose. For some reason, that's a sound that annoys people. (heehee).
8. Bark out the front window, with all of the emotion (joy, anger... whatever) in my heart, BARK!
9. If that fails, BARK out the back!
10. If that fails, bark in Mom's ear!
11. Circle the house restlessly, then disappear.
12. And when all else fails, plop down in desparation... sigh loudly and utilize the notorious GUILT TACTIC. It IS, after all, the tool that ALWAYS works.

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: Sofa Pillows

As a puppy:

1. Great teething material.
2. Excellent substitution in warmer climates for snow.
3. Fun to attack and foil their diabolical plot.
4. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
5. If you have it, I want it.
6. If your head is on it, so must my whole body.

As an adult:

1. I don't get Mom's aesthetic arrangement.
2. Re-shaping square pillows is my specialty.
3. In a big chair, perfect under me.
4. If the chair is too small, the pillow goes on the floor.
5. On a sofa, a couple is all I need.
6. Best on the floor, in all instances, once the nap is over.
7. Those that impede the relaxation process are best on the floor.
8. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
9. If our head is on it, so must my whole body.

Golden Retriever Recipe for a Perfect Day

(16 things Mom could learn from me!)

Each day should consist of:

1. Leisurely waking.
2. A good stretch upon rising.
3. Smooching and lovey dovey time, a-plenty.
4. Two good, filling and timely meals (and maybe a snack or two in between).
5. Lots of cool fresh water.
6. Persnickety attention to the calls of nature. (hey... I can hold it forever, but when I go, I want to go in just the right place).
7. Lots of talking and a little singing.
8. Answering to the joy in your heart, however it may lead you.
9. Work a little and play a LOT.
10. A couple of nice peaceful naps, preferably in a dark room or even in a sunny window sill.
11. Curiosity and challenge, obsessing over neither, and dropping both for a run at the food bowl or the chance to smooch.
12. Wallowing and snorting. In fact, nothing's better than a good wet sneeze!
13. A little time (a very little time) spent on grooming.
14. A little running, a little television, a little window watching and a little barking.
15. A bone-deep sigh upon retiring for the night.
16. Peaceful slumber lying as close as possible to the one you love the most.

A Golden Retriever's Weather Commentary: SUNSHINE

Today's forecast: BLUE SKIES AND SUNSHINE

GOOD: I get to stay outside most of the day.

GOOD: I get to see Sammy.

GOOD: Lots of interesting sounds outside... music, laughter and garden tools.

GOOD: I get to chase squirrels across the yard.

GOOD: I get to take a nap inside, with my head in a sunny windowsill.

GOOD: Someone's cooking something good!!!

IT'S ALL GOOD!

A Golden Retriever's Weather Commentary: RAIN

Today's forecast: RAIN

GOOD: Getting wet is fun.
BAD: Mom constantly badgering... "PORCH. PORCH. PORCH." is not so fun.

GOOD: Getting dried off is fun.
BAD: Having feet wiped is not so fun.

GOOD: Flushing squirrels out of my window sills is fun.
BAD: There are squirrels in my window sills!

GOOD: Mom doesn't leave to do her normal errands.
BAD: She restricts my outdoor activity.

GOOD: Taking a nap on a gloomy day is relaxing.
BAD: I'd rather be outside!