The Ten Commandments For Living With A Golden Retriever

1. Thou shalt love me with all your heart, as I will love you.
   
2. Thou shalt accept and understand that I will strive to become you, and to have you become me. As a puppy, sometimes I'm challenging and sometimes I'm challenged, by where you start and I begin. Hang in there with me, though, my intentions are noble, though my actions may be mischievous.


3. Thou shalt spend every possible moment of every day with me, and be as grateful for it as I am.


4. Thou shalt talk to me always and all ways. Thou shalt talk to me openly and often, and know that I love you, unconditionally. A little singing endears you to me even more.


5. Thou shalt laugh and play with me. Let yourself go, and laugh and play as you would never would with anyone else. Our bond is sacred. I'll never tell your secrets. Your guard is safe with me. And you can bet I'll always respond with surprised spontaneity when you allow your tender, childlike side to be exposed to others.


6. Thou shalt understand that my love of fun and mischief is trumped only by my love of pleasing of you. And it takes a lot of time for me to understand the differences between the two, to understand the difference between 'good girl' and 'no no sweet girl'!
   
7. Thou shalt feed me the appropriate amount of good and wholesome foods. As a golden, I am born with a voracious appetite and an avid joy for eating. Thou shalt take it upon yourself to monitor the quality and quantity of my intake, as (I'll admit it) I can't be trusted with that decision!


8. Thou shalt groom me: clear my eye boogies every day, brush me often, bathe me regularly and keep my teeth clean and my nails trimmed. More than the great pride I take in my appearance, I appreciate the attention from you. And I will return it 1000 fold!


9. Thou shalt be willing to put all your resources on the table for me. Though I may SEEM a bit selfish at times, it's really just that I'm accustomed to receiving so much, and (heehee) it's my little way of telling you how much I like it all. You should know, though... I would lay down my life for you!


10. Thou shalt never abandon me. And thou shalt never leave me behind. I know there are exceptions... like when you are going places that I wouldn't prefer to staying home. Just know that being with you is everything to me, and I will trust your decisions.

Like A Frisbee!

Ever have one of these, launch out of the top of a tree,
sailing, sailing, sailing toward the ground...
until you catch it in your mouth like a frisbee?

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia. Search for squirrel!

Until today, neither had I.

Long Story Made Short:
Flushed four squirrels, a mama and her adolescents.
Mama S ran up a small tree. And I tried to climb up after her.
MY Mom got the rake to get my attention.
I think Mama S thought MY Mom was scolding her, rather than me.
Mama S sailed... and I caught her in mid-air.
Picture all three (me and the two mamas) of us shocked!
I was so shocked that I let her go, but chased her to the fence...
where she ran to safety.
There is no murder on my breath today!

My Favorite Things to Do on this Rainy Saturday

1. Take a nap with Mom, in the bed.
2. Hustle 'Munchos'.
3. Look out the window... and wait.
4. Chase squirrels in the rain.
5. Splash Splash Splash!
6. Get dried off with a "good" plush towel.
7. Take another nap, belly up, in my chair!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts On "The Three P's"

Today's Pressing Household Issues:
Peeing, Pooping and Plumbing

According to Mom, one of the "perks" (my word, not hers) to living in an old house... is the opportunity (my word, not hers) to mop up water and shut down the bathrooms, kitchen and washing machine for sixteen or eighteen hours at a time... every 9 months or a year.

And that led me to paws and ponder upon "the three p's":

1. I was taught that the only place I should go... is outside.
2. And today, I'm more thankful than ever!
3. My favorite thing about the indoor toilet is the opportunity to corner Mom and enjoy a good head scratch.
4. The only thing I like about the shower is licking Mom's legs when she comes out of it... otherwise, it's pure evil.
5. Really, am I not fully capable of cleaning the dishes after dinner?
6. It's not so bad that last night's dinner dishes, pots and pans weren't cleaned... I rather admire the aromas.
7. Two of my best friends came over and fixed our problem. I tried to help them, but Mom said if I knew how to fix it, why didn't I fix it last night? I answered the best way I knew how... "woo woo woo".
8. My friends were really cute and gave me good attention. I can't wait to see them again in a few months. But a question... why did Mom pay them to leave???
9. Coming in from the rain, knee deep in mud... and just when I thought we were completely out of towels, Mom whips out four more: three wet to give me a rub-down, and one to dry!
10. ANY P that keeps Mom home is all right by me!

How I Enjoyed My Sunday

Sunday is a good day to paws and enjoy your garden...

Or to wreak havoc... whichever suits you!

Here's how I enjoyed MY Sunday:

1. Slept in... shmuggled with Mom...
   and had a good long stretch.
2. Made a circle through the house and went outside for general security and personal comfort purposes.
3. Played with Hank, my honking duck.
4. Ate my tasty breakfast.
5. Ate a couple of bites of Mom's tasty breakfast.
6. Went outside for personal comfort purposes...
   and to wake up the other dogs in the neighborhood.
7. Got tons of leaves plucked from my tail and chest.
   Was asked how they got there...
   didn't know the answer.
8. Took a nap, upside down on the bed.
9. Found birthday bunny and wrestled him on the floor,
   hurdled him onto the bed and honked him senseless.
10. Saw a squirrel out the back window
    and had to go back outside...
    chased, but did not catch him.
11. Laid in the sun and enjoyed the cool breeze.
12. Came inside to bark at something out the front window...
    can't remember what it was, but I assure you
    that I thwarted a major security threat.
13. Watched Mom work.
14. Took a nap, upside down in my chair.
15. Reminded Mom of the time. Tick tock tick tock.
16. Ate my tasty dinner, which oddly enough,
    tasted a lot like my breakfast.
17. Dug a hole by the fence, under the huge azalea.
18. Got scolded.
19. Looked adorable wtih dirt on my nose.
20. Barked at a little girl on the other side of the fence.
21. Got scolded.
22. Looked sheepish... and adorable.
23. Laid in the shade, listened to the many and varied sounds,
    and sniffed the aromas...
    including the neighbor's barbecue pit!

Now I'm wondering... what Mom's having for dinner!
And hoping that tomorrow is another Sunday!

Conspiring to Give Mom a Great Gift on Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom needed this thing.
I don't claim to know what it is,
but my Uncle Stevey knew exactly what to get!

The box says that it is "the ultimate visual experience". That said... it is NOT four squirrels running across the yard... it must be even better, though I have a hard time imagining five!

Special thanks to my co-conspirator, Uncle Stevey, who helped pick it out, installed it, vacuumed my hair out of Mom's computer... and did some other stuff that's still a mystery to me!

I don't need to know the details. Mom's happy... and that's all that counts!

The Cart of Death

As I waited patiently in the kitchen this morning,
for my daily bribery... errr... treats,

Mom announced:

"The cart of death has been wheeled to the curb."

She also said if anyone walked down the sidewalk,
they would likely place a call to HPD Homicide.

I hope this marks the end to a repentant week.

Ask Miss C: Rouse

Welcome to the inaugural segment of my new series, in which I reply to questions posed to me by my faithful readers.

Hunter from Huntsville, Alabama writes:

"Whattahell's a rouse?"

Miss C replies:

Though I present myself here as a refined authoress,
prima ballerina and mannerly city girl,
I am also well in touch with my Alabama born, country gal roots...
therefore, I understand the exact nature of Mr. Hunter's question.
For my readers in other parts of the country,
allow me to rephrase the interrogative expression:

"What, exactly, is a 'rouse'?"

A rouse is a rat, or a mouse, or anything in between...
basically anything without hair on its tail, that ain't a possum.
For example, the recent victim of my enthusiastic chase,
looked mostly like this:

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia: Look up Brown Rat!

And yet, had the innocent disposition
and kind eyes of this one...
she was awfully close to the fence, too:

Photo courtesy of Wikipedia: Look up Wood Mouse!

Rouse Patrol & Time Out

Comet fought the Rouse...
And Comet won.

The aftermath:

1. Comet ran quickly to the back door... came inside and put her own self into time out.
2. Comet understands that she did a bad, bad thing.
3. Comet understands that Ballerinas don't kill things.
4. Comet didn't meant to kill the little thing... really, she didn't.
5. Comet understands that this is not an appropriate way to thank Mom for coming home a little early.
6. Comet understands that life's pleasures are extremely limited when you have... "murder on your breath".
7. Comet understands that she will have to answer some questions at the Pearly Gates... where she hopes that instinct combined with the wanton stupidity of certain tresspassors will surely suffice as an appropriate answer.
8. Comet further understands that killing things on the day the trash has been picked up is a particularly disgusting transgression.
9. Comet must endure brushing of the teeth and a half bath and is still not allowed anywhere near her Mama's head... for the forseeable future.
10. Comet secretly wishes she was paying the price for terminating Big Daddy Ricky, rather than his daughter Rinnie.
11. Comet prefers to speak of herself in third person when she knows she has disappointed her Mother... the funeral director and mortician.

goldens postulate no. 4: a rebuttal to criticism

Having received a firestorm of rebukes, criticisms and skepticism, I must rebut (or repatooty, as the case may be!).

First, let me remind you of that famous quote by Phil Pastoret:

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give Fido only two of them.

Second, check THIS out!

And if you're still skeptical... this!

Dear Diary (while America is Idle)

Mom watches this silly show every Tuesday and Wednesday nights lately.

It features a lot of howlin', a little spittin', a dog impersonator (sometimes Afghan, sometimes unclipped Airedale, sometimes Rhodesian Ridgeback, and tonight... poodle!), and Dr. Doolittle's daughter... who's clearly got it goin' on!

So here's what I'm thinkin' and doin' while Mom is distracted with America Is Idle:

1. That new little dog in the back corner of the yard... is a nuisance. Doesn't she understand the rules of the Golden queendom?
2. I can really mop the floor with my Easter Bunny! Seriously, she rocks!
3. Ho hum ho hum with the text messaging, Mom!
4. Sighin' really big sighs. They're not altogether effective... but I DO get my head rubbed!
5. My birth mom's name was Haley... she bore not the slightest resemblance...

Dear Diary

I spent an hour or so this morning doing a google search and then, ultimately, jotting letters to Macy's, JCPenney, Bed Bath & Beyond and other major retailers... pitching an ingenious product I'm developing.

I should probably keep this to myself until my patent comes through... but I know you, Dear Diary, can keep a secret!

My invention???

A kevlar comforter!

Dear Diary

Barrel racing on the bed is so much fun! I ran a clean and competitive round while Mom was in the shower this morning.

It seems, in my fervor for a personal best... I ripped the comforter slightly about 12". I tried to lay on it so that Mom wouldn't discover it until this afternoon, but alas... I got so happy about something else that I moved.

Mom said, and I quote... "I could just kill you... or crawl back in the bed and love you to death".

In her defense, that ole gal is pretty patient with me. And I guess if this were the first time, she wouldn't have taken the news so hard. In actuality, this will be the fifth comforter that we've had to lay to rest, but only the second one since January 6th.

You're wondering what Mom decided to do to me...

She sighed deeply, sat quietly on the end of the bed... and rubbed my head. And I gave her my repentant look. I'll do my best, I said...

Mother's Day, About the Bike

Happy Mother's Day, Mom... sorta.

For the record... I didn't give her the bike.
I gave her the time to ride it.

And for the record, I'm not crazy about it.
I resign myself to it for now, but I think I can take it.
Eventually, she will leave for work.
If I can't chase it away, perhaps
I can clean my teeth with the tires.

Perhaps.

Working The Room at the Vet's Office: Bob Hope Would Be Proud!

I might have mentioned here before... I love to go. And today we went to the vet's office for my 6 month checkup and shots.

We left home during a break in this morning's storm. To show my appreciation to Mom, from the constraints of my backseat belt, I alternately rested my head on her shoulder and gently licked her cheek. Of course, I had to take the occasional break to shnooof the air conditioning!

We arrived at the vet's office to find a crowded waiting room. There were small dogs; there were large dogs. There were sick dogs; there were scared dogs. And they were all there to be entertained. So, for 53 minutes, much to Mom's dismay, entertain I did! I know my commands, and sit I shall... but there's not a command in the world to keep me from sweeping the floor with my tail and smiling, smiling, smiling! And if the occasional "woo woo woo" parts my lips, am I to blame?

I believe I brought a little sunshine into Betty's day, and she needed that since she was suffering from a mild case of sloopy poopy.

And the little PomPom, who had a fear of large dogs since one attacked her... I think my gentle kisses helped her overcome at least some of her fears. After all, she was willingly coming out of her little 'purse' to watch me!

And the two little chewawas couldn't keep their eyes off me!

Of course, there was the one brief intermission... when the Mom of the pit bull asked us to all move to one side of the room, because he was "cantankerous"... HER words, not MINE. MINE would be... scarey as hell! To everyone's relief, he passed right through the waiting room to a maximum security kennel.

My checkup was short, but pleasant. Dr. B was out of town, so I saw Dr. C. I like Dr. B a little better, only because she "gets" me and Mom. Dr. C is nice though, even though he seems a little suspicious of my good nature! So, I got a shot and a squirt up the nose. The good thing is that Dr. C won't get kennel cough either. No lumps, no bumps, good heart, clear lungs, a pokey in the rear and my nails clipped! I'm good for another 6 months!

The trip home was as the trip there. And the water bowl was a welcome sight at home!

The adventure, for whatever reason, seemed a little tiring for Mom. She went to lunch with Sammy's Mom and Dad (Sammy went to the vet this morning, too!). They must have left us home so they could commisserate or some such thing. And when she got home, we took a good long nap.

Ok, I'll admit it... I'm a little tired, too.

But the troops had to be entertained. It was the least I could do, given the opportunity and the circumstances. So long as there is need, the CSO (Comet Service Organization) show must go on!

But for now... I must rest and reflect on the day.

goldens rule no. 8

The more I go, the more I want... yea, the more I expect to go.

So Check It Out, Dawg...!

Last night, I slept with the WackWack, the Easter Bunny, Jonah (of course), Bob, Frawgy and Skooochy! Oh yeah, and Mom!

Then this morning when Mom was in the shower, I reached in the bag that Shiney gave me and retrieved my little ducky! I don't know what I'm gonna call him yet, but for some reason, I'm thinking... Kenny!

THIS Golden Retriever's Thoughts on Grooming

Mom made casual mention that my good friend, Shy-knee, has an appointment for a day of beauty tomorrow, at her local salon. While she might have mentioned it casually, I know the point Mom was trying to make. And that made me paws to think about grooming.

While I am quite the ballerina and girly girl, and I take pride in my natural beauty and golden locks, I have very definite opinions about grooming rituals that are good and right... and those that are just plain overkill, even for a princess like me.

1. Full baths are an unnecessary evil. I mean, are these just an attempt to punish and humiliate me? What did I do so wrong??? Answer me that, and I'll take a bath willingly. Full baths can easily be avoided by graceful dips in lakewater, joyful leaps in the ocean surf, and even by dawdling outside in the spring rains! Besides, too many baths remove the natural oils that are necessary for a good coat. And I don't have to tell you how I feel about a good coat!
2. Blow drying should be a criminal offense. I'm all about the right to bear arms, but that gun oughta be outlawed. I'm willing to be corralled in a tight space in close proximity to Mom, so long as she's not armed with a brush in one hand and a blow dryer in the other!
3. A half bath (or as Mom calls it... a cheater's bath) ain't half bad. That's when she uses those fresh smelling paper things and wipes me down. The best things I can say about a half bath: it's over quick, I don't smell half bad when it's over, and it IS attention!
4. A spit bath is ideal. Lord knows that I love a spit bath. That's when Mom takes a wet washcloth and cleans around my mouth, ears, armpits and paws. I get these every night in the summer months, it's totally quick and painless, and a great way to cool down!
5. The hairbrush is alluring. Its sight makes my knees weaken, quite literally. Here are the rules: Head, ok. Ears, ok. Neck and back, great. Chest, great. Sides, good. Legs, you're pushing it. Backs of the legs and tail, OFF LIMITS! Remember, when you people go to the salon, you ALL sit and protect your backside. Where does it say that feathering must be without natural curl? Show me a book about the breed standard, and I'll bite your nose!
6. De-tangling is quick and relatively painless. I rarely get mats (maybe one or two in my life), but Mom has this comb that with one or two quick strokes... out comes a clump of hair. It's a small price to pay for protecting your behind while being brushed.
7. Having my teeth brushed isn't too bad, because the toothpaste... well, it tastes just like chicken (snicker)! And after all, I only have mine brushed once a week; Mom's teeth must be dirtier... she brushes them several times a day. Now THAT's overkill.
8. Having my teeth cleaned is another thing all together. I mean, is this grooming? Or SURGERY? First, I don't like Mom dropping me off ANYwhere. Second, they knock me out and scrape my teeth? I love that Mom picks me up and spends the rest of the day with me, but that's little consolation for the trauma.
9. Toe nail clipping is a good thing. I mean, I don't tread on hard surfaces so much, so my delicate nails sometimes need clipping (for my own comfort and for the sake of our 50 year old waxed hardwood floors). I don't know why Mom has such anxiety around the process... she will sometimes clip the tips, but most often takes me somewhere to have them clipped.
10. Nothing says loving like lotion on the paws. Yeah, I don't think it's all that necessary, but there is just something about your Mom rubbing lotion on your paws that makes you feel, not just pampered, but ADORED.
11. Eye boogies must be cleared immediately, if not sooner! Several times a day is a good schedule, depending on windy conditions, airborne allergens and the state of the dusty perimeter trail.

Of course, I will consult with my pal Shy-knees, to see how she feels about her "day of beauty". She might have a different take. After all... HER mom takes HER to a spa!!!!

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: The Telephone

Daylight

Talk all you want, but let's go outside. You can sit on the porch and chat. I'll bark like a junkyard dog in sight of an intruder, but you go ahead and carry on your conversation!

Dark

Talk should be limited to brief conversations relating to the following subjects:

1. Sometimes there are emergencies, and I fully understand. I trust you in that regard and will remain as quiet as a mouse.
2. Scheduling a doggy friendly vacation.
3. Scheduling a playdate or walk in the park.
4. Scheduling my people to come stay with us.
5. Checking the stock of my favorite treats at the doggy grocery store.
6. Ordering cool toys by phone.
7. FOOD DELIVERIES! (I don't care... pizza, wings, Chinese... it's ALL good by me!).

All other occasions:

1. A ringing phone need not be answered. After all, you're on MY time now.
2. Should you take or make a call, my first defense is a demand to go outside, stir up my pals, stalk a frog, eat some poop, chase a rat, spot a possum, tree a cat... or if all else fails, hide and ignore Mom in a dark corner.
3. Otherwise, there's no better place for me than your lap.
4. It only takes one hand to hold a phone. Your other hand isn't doing anything, so rub my tummy while I wallow and snort loudly.
5. If that other hand remains idle...well, ignore me and I'll BARK.
6. Where IS my obnoxious talking (never-say-die) gorilla???! Or what about my gangster toys... "How ya doin, How ya doin, How ya doin"... and the notorious, "You talkin to me?, You talkin to me?, You talking to me?"???! In a pinch, my "I love you. I love you. I love you." heart will suffice.
7. Move the blinds around with your nose. For some reason, that's a sound that annoys people. (heehee).
8. Bark out the front window, with all of the emotion (joy, anger... whatever) in my heart, BARK!
9. If that fails, BARK out the back!
10. If that fails, bark in Mom's ear!
11. Circle the house restlessly, then disappear.
12. And when all else fails, plop down in desparation... sigh loudly and utilize the notorious GUILT TACTIC. It IS, after all, the tool that ALWAYS works.

A Golden Retriever's Thoughts: Sofa Pillows

As a puppy:

1. Great teething material.
2. Excellent substitution in warmer climates for snow.
3. Fun to attack and foil their diabolical plot.
4. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
5. If you have it, I want it.
6. If your head is on it, so must my whole body.

As an adult:

1. I don't get Mom's aesthetic arrangement.
2. Re-shaping square pillows is my specialty.
3. In a big chair, perfect under me.
4. If the chair is too small, the pillow goes on the floor.
5. On a sofa, a couple is all I need.
6. Best on the floor, in all instances, once the nap is over.
7. Those that impede the relaxation process are best on the floor.
8. Excellent hiding place for chewies.
9. If our head is on it, so must my whole body.