Golden Humor: Retrieve a Downloaded File

Q: How do I find and retrieve a downloaded file? [signed] Stumped

A: Dear Stumped: The best way to retrieve a file that has been sent to you is to use a Golden Retriever. "Wait!" you may be saying, "Golden Retrievers are hunting dogs!" Before you get too caught up in the finer points of Golden Retriever history, consider ... these dogs were bred to stand by the side of their person, and fetch objects (usually some hapless, formerly live, waterfowl) that the dog's person is unable to obtain for himself. Does this not sound like the perfect sort of a dog for your file problem? I thought so!

The steps for retrieving your file are as follows:

1. Find a Golden Retriever.
2. Show it the e-mail message that has a file attached
3. Explain the workings of the mouse. This may take a little patience, as Goldens tend to wag a lot and the dog may not be totally focused on your instructions on proper mouse usage.
4. Wait until the dog has mastered the use of the mouse.
5. Point to the file you want the dog to retrieve, and in a firm but kind voice say, "Fetch it!"
6. Be sure to praise and reward the dog once he's retrieved the file for you.

Once you've got the file "in hand" (so to speak), bring in the nearest cat to unpack and install it for you.

Wait a minute... we don't need a cat! This joke stinks!

Words & Phrases I Know

1. COMET = ME
2. SWEETEST GIRL IN THE WORLD = ME
3. SWEETY GIRL = ME
4. PRITTY GIRL = ME
5. BOOGER = ME
6. COMMIE = ME
7. GOOD GIRL = I DID SOMETHING GOOD!
8. COME = COME (because I thought she was just practicing saying my name)
9. NO = NO (unless you're willing to take the consequences)
10. SIT = SIT (reluctantly sometimes)
11. STAY = STAY (I'm really good at this)
12. DROP IT = DROP IT (I've got something Mom either wants, something that belongs to her exclusively or something that is bad for me)
13. LEAVE IT = LEAVE IT (Mom's really not kidding)
14. ARE YOU HUNGRY? = TIME TO EAT, RUN TO MY BOWL
15. IT'S NOT READY YET = MOM HAS NOT BEEN ATTENDING TO MY FOOD PREPARATION NEEDS
16. NOT YET = WHATEVER I'M ANTICIPATING IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN YET
17. INOUTINOUTINOUT = THE 'TEST HER PAYSHUNZ' GAME IS NOW OVER
18. UH UH = STOP LICKING MY FOOT
19. 'TOP IT = 'TOP WHATEVER I'M DOING
20. SQUIRREL = SQUIRREL (said inside means toy, said outside means pesky rodent)
21. WACK WACK = DUCK TOY
22. LOLLY = SHORT FOR LOLLIPOP, MY FAVORITE TOY (mouse)
23. I GOTTA GO = MOM IS LEAVING
24. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK = MOM WILL BE BACK IN SECONDS, MINUTES OR HOURS
25. YOU'RE GONNA GO = MOM IS TAKING ME WITH HER
26. ELLY = MY ELEPHANT
27. BATH = RUN!!!!!! (At all costs, RUN... HIDE...!)
28. I LOVE YOU = MOM LOVES ME (along with many other things that I must interpret, like it's time to go to sleep or Mom is soothing her guilt for leaving me)
29. YOU'RE MY BABY = MOM LOVES ME
30. GET YOUR BABY = FIND SOMETHING I WANT TO PLAY OR SLEEP WITH
31. LET'S GO TO BED = MOM IS GOING TO SLEEP IN MY BED (and I must hurry to jockey for the cool side of the bed)

*to be continued*